I thought it was time for an update. And I want to start with a question. It is a multiple choice question so it shouldn’t be that hard. (Some of you already intimately know the answer to this question). If you moved to a foreign country and needed to get a residence visa based on the fact that you were married to someone working in that country, what would you have to do to prove that you were legally married?
A. Provide a copy of your marriage certificate.
B. Provide a notarized copy of your marriage certificate.
C. Provide a notarized copy of your marriage certificate and have the original on hand.
D. Obtain a new copy of your marriage certificate with the personal signature of the City Clerk, make a copy of it, and get it notarized. To hell with the original.
E. Obtain a new copy of your marriage certificate with the personal signature of the City Clerk, get an authenticity stamp from your County office, make a copy of it, and get it notarized.
F. Obtain a new copy of your marriage certificate with the personal signature of the City Clerk, get an authenticity stamp from your County office, attach an official paper from your State with the word Apostille in bold at the top, make a copy of all of it, and get it notarized.
If you chose F, you are correct. However an ever more accurate answer might read:
G. Obtain a new copy of your marriage certificate with the personal signature of the City Clerk, get an authenticity stamp from your County office, attach an official paper from your State with the word Apostille in bold at the top, make a copy of all of it, and get it notarized. Go to the office of the lady who will submit your papers to the foreign government. Sit there while she stares at your notarized thrice stamped marriage certificate with a puzzled almost panicked expression. Maintain your sanity and serenity when she looks up at you and your husband and says dramatically with some confusion, “But Mr. Gannushkin this is not an Apostille!” Wait several moments for the tension in the air to clear so that she can hear you. Calmly point out that she should read the large bold word on the top of the first page and stop trying to understand what all those stamps are.
And of course, if you were in the same position as we are here, you couldn’t possibly do all these steps yourself. So, I would like thank my father for getting the personal signature of the Clerk of the City of New York, the authenticity stamp from the County of New York and the apostille from the State of New York.
My awareness of and disgust with the enormity of bureaucracies across the world has grown profoundly in the past two years. I am completely surprised that there is not more violence in bureaucratic offices.
Man enters government building:
Man: Hello. I am going to the Food, Cat Permit and Return Visa Department of the Office of the Interior Order of Non-native Residents.
Security Guard: Dobry den. Prosim vas, mluvite cesky. (Good day. Please speak Czech.)
Man: I am sorry. I don’t speak Czech. As I said I am going to the F-o-o-d, C-a-t P-e-
Security Guard: Ne, pan Cizinec, prosim vas, tady jenon mluvime cesky. Jestle ne mluvite cesky, budete mit problemy. (No sir, please, here we only speak Czech. If you don’t speak Czech you are going to have some problems.)
Man: Please, sir. I just need…
Security Guard: Ne, ne, ne.. (No, no, no..)
Man is pushed out of building. Man goes home, yells at wife, smacks cat. Returns next day with Czech speaking friend. Enters building:
Man’s friend: Dobry den. Jdeme tamhle (Good Day. We are going there.)
Security guard: Yo, yo… (Yes, yes…)
Man and friend go to elevator. Spend 15 minutes finding floor of office. Arrive at office. See lots of people. Wait for 4 hours. All people gone. Woman comes out of office with purse and coat. Locks door. Ignores man and friend.
Man’s friend (in Czech): Excuse me, miss, but we have been waiting here for hours. Can we see someone?
Woman: Do you have an appointment?
Man’s friend: No, but we have been here for hours.
Woman: I’m sorry, sir, but you need an appointment.
Man’s friend: But we have this information sheet. It doesn’t say anything about appointments.
Woman looks at sheet.
Woman: Umm hmm. This is an old sheet. Appointments are our new policy.
Man’s friend: So how can we make an appointment?
Woman: The new sheet explains everything.
Man’s friend: How can we get a new sheet?
Woman: When you speak with someone here, you will get a new sheet.
Man’s friend: But how can we speak with someone here?
Woman: You’ll need an appointment. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I really have to go.
Man and friend watch woman leave. Man goes home, yells at wife, strangles cat. Next day, wakes up early, calls lawyer. Waits on hold for 30 minutes. Speaks with lawyer. Learns how to make an appointment. Lawyer hangs up. Mails bill for $500. Man calls special office number. Waits on hold for 45 minutes. Makes earliest possible appointment. Waits 2 months for appointment. Returns to office with friend.
Man’s friend: Dobry den. Jdeme tamhle (Good Day. We are going there.)
Security guard: Yo, yo… (Yes, yes…)
Man and friend go up in elevator. Wait one hour. Woman comes out of office. Calls man’s name. Man and friend get up.
Woman (in Czech): Ah ha! Which one of you is ?
Man’s friend: He is.
Woman to man: Come this way, please.
Man’s friend: We will both come. He doesn’t speak any Czech, so I will translate for him.
Woman: I am afraid that will be impossible. He only has an appointment for himself.
Man’s friend: Well, that really can’t matter. I’m just translating for him. It will be as if I’m not even there.
Woman: I am afraid is does matter. Only two people can fit in my office.
Man’s friend: We can leave the door open. I can stand.
Woman: The door must be closed, sir. It is official policy.
Man’s friend: Look, miss. This is really crazy. He needs a translator. We both need to be there.
Woman: If he needed a translator, he should have made an appointment for both of you. As it is, I cannot see you both. It is all clearly explained on the new sheet. I can’t understand how people can fail to follow such simple instructions. In any case, your time is up.
Woman walks away and reads next name.
Man goes home. Wife is prepared. Door to house has new lock. Man cannot get in. Wife advises him to come back the next day when he is calm. Two days later, man calls office. Wants to make new appointment. Gets message “The Food, Cat Permit and Return Visa Department of the Office of the Interior Order of Non-native Residents has been permanently closed. Please refer any issues or concerns to the Temporary Office for Issues Relating to Food, Cat Permits, Return Visas, Faucet Installation Lawsuits, Glass Blowing Regulations…..